Alter Ego
by sisiloveauslly
Summary: I am Ally Dawson, I am stuck with my life, with all the choices I make, and the pain that I suffer. And I am almost completely alone. I only have my mom, Austin, and myself. But because of everything that is going on I could lose all of them... And having a chance of losing the only people that keep you standing is so freaking scary. Believe me..
1. Chapter 1

**Hey people, I'm sorry that I didn't finish 'Not My Usual Teacher' yet. But I am having alot of problems now, so I decided to write a story about that, it actually is about me, exactly everything that I write, but I write it as an Austin and Ally story, to make people understand it easier. I will still continue 'Not my Usual Teacher'. I promise. **

**So did you read my other stories yet? **

**'Am I Dreaming' **

**'Far Away'**

**'I Don't Need A Babysitter'**

**'In Love With My Moms Boyfriend' **

**'It All Started With A Tweet'**

**'Nobody Understands'**

**So here starts the story. I hope you enjoy, the first chapters will be written in kind of a journal way, to make Ally's situation more clear. Then the story will really start. Enjoy!**

**Disclaimer: I don't own anything but the storyline**

Chapter 1 _Dealing With Pressure_

I am Ally,

There is a lot wrong with me, you know. I mean. I hear voices in my head. Well,not literally. But I feel that those thoughts aren't exactly me. They make 'me' insecure and make decisions for me that I will regret later.

One I named 'Henk.' I don't know how I came up with that name actually. I guess Henk doesn't suit me at all. So it makes the perfect name for that voice. I don't like to call it me. Like, I am not happy with those thoughts. And I am fighting dayly against those thoughts. Not wanting them in my head. I hurt the ones I love. And then I cry myself to sleep like a hit puppy. "What a loser am I". Okay that was kind of Henk. But that kind of thoughts, I get them every day. And for some reason I have to share them. Otherwise I will explode from lonelyness.

So I share it with my friend Austin. Well share... "I am a disgusting friend." well, that wasn't Henk. It is more like the friend that places everyone above me. I don't have a name for her. But coming up with one maybe makes the story more clear. The name Stella came up in my mind.

But because of this voices, I losing myself. And losing myself, and seeing it happen. And seeing how I hurt the people I love, but feeling like I can't fight against it. It makes me want to cut myself. Because that feeling of not being able to fight against it, is the worse kind of pain, seeing it all happen, behind a window. That kind of feeling that you get when you are watching someone suffer on the tv. You want to do something, but feel like you can't. I really want to hurt myself. But Henk is calling me an attention seeker...It still feels weird to give them a name. But I feel like I am going insane.. Losing a little bit more of myself every second. And it terrefies me.

I had an appointment with my psychologist.. I hadn't seen her in 3 weeks. Wich was very long. Alot had happend in the last days. I stopped with school with permission of from my mom. Things were just too hard. I was trying too hard to please everyone. In school I was scared to show that I wasn't okay. I felt guilty. I had Glandular Fever, and it would take away all your energy and would give you the feeling of emptyness and tiredness. I was unable to go to school for long times.

But people started to expect from me to build up to normal school days. And that was very hard for me. Because I was just too tired. Because of my fever and because my whole day were filled with worries. I was worried that people were expecting me to go longer to school, or expecting me to act happy. I had a feeling that I needed to help my mom more, and more things that made me feel so tired. And because I didn't go to school alot I missed alot in class. And I got a lot of bad grades. I was so dissapointed in my self. Again and again.

So I had a lot of stress with homework, and getting good grades. I would lock myself up in the schools bathroom and I would cry. The stress caused me to eat less. I just couldn't eat. It wasn't a choice. So things got bad. And mom decided to search for a clinic, that could help me. We found one. But there was a waiting period of 4/5 months. And spending 5 months in school with all those pressures. I had enough stress without school.

Some nights I would get kind of an insecure panic attack. And I had enough worries. So mom decided that I could skip school. Because otherwise it would only make my situation worse.

I would have to do the year over but I could finally kind of relax, even if it was just a little.  
>Well I told my psychologist everything and I was relieved that I told her. But I still had a long way to go<p>

**So this was the first chapter, I think from now on the story will start. So hope you like it :) **

**Please review, follow and Favourite! Because I was really nervous about writing this story, because like I explained earlier. All of this is going on in my life right now... **


	2. Poetry

_Help me_

_Is what I say_

_But when you do_

_I push you away_

_Want to know if you care_

_And you say that you do_

_Then my thoughts will tell me_

_He is a liar too_

_I beg you not to give up_

_And I plead you to stay_

_But when you say you will_

_I push you away_


	3. Chapter 3 Losing Myself

**So I guess that I have to let go the thought of getting reviews or something... Because mostly I am using this to write out my feelings and inner frustrations... So I will try to stop looking at those numbers and start writing this story for the reason I started it. **

**Disclaimer: I don't own anything except for the storyline**

_Chapter 2 Losing Myself_

I was always scared to lose a friend, mostly the persons I was the closest to. I would ask them every day if I was good enough, or nice enough, if the loved me, if they would never let me down. And it annoyed me so much, that I did that. Henk called me attentionseeker again. He did that alot. And if you'd hear that with everything you do you were going to believe it. So he called me selfish too, because I didn't dump my friends, because they 'deserved better, and they were too scared to let me down.' but like I said before, they secretly hated me. So by leaving them I was actually helping them. You understand? So I said dayly that they were aloud to block me any time, and sometimes I even told them that I would leave them alone. Just for their own good...

So today was another little moment that triggered me. We were eating dinner, with my step-dad, my brother, me and my mother. I joked that I was very mature and adultish, if that is even a word. And My step-dad looked at me with very serious expression. He said: "Well, I definitely don't think that you are mature." In my mind it came in like that I was the most chilidsh person ever. And that hit me hard, because I was trying to be as mature as possible and I thought of myself as pretty mature. I didn't know what to say back. So I laughed it off awkwardly, trying not to show my hurt expression.

Later on I came up with the idea to start cooking sometimes, because I wanted to live on my own very fast, and I wanted to be an au-pair when I was 19. When I told them that my mom was very happy to hear it and she motivated me to chose days that I wanted to cook. Then my step-dad said: "Oh then we are going to complain all the time too and give critizism like you two always do." My mom said: "Ally almost never complains."

But still I was hurt, because I always was trying to please everyone, not complaining about food, being thankfull for what I get, helping my mom in the house, trying to help my step dad where needed and not fighting with my brother. I always felt so much pressure to please the world, and it was exhausting, it made me cry in the nights, and I would get so much stress that I would scratch myself, out of selfhate and disappointment. I would bite in my skin and use scissors. I was too scared to use knives. So Henk also called me a pussy. Because everytime that someone would complain about the things that I was trying to do good with heart and soul,

Henk would say, "See, you are worthless, they think you are worthless too." And Stella would say: "You aren't trying hard enough to make your family happy." Henk: "Selfish." That were the dayly thoughts crossing my mind. I would cry myself to sleep or Skype with my friend Austin, but still. I was hurt. And I was scared to bother other people with it. So sometimes I kept things to myself. And 'If' I told it to someone Henk would yell "Attentionseeker" again. So slowly, my selfworth came crashing down, farther and farther, if even possible


	4. Chapter 4 Drama

**So I got a really sweet message of a girl and I wanted to thank her :) **

**But here is chapter 4, at first I didn't want to count my poetry with it but I think if I do it will be more organized. So here is the next chapter and enjoy!**

_Chapter 4 Drama_

So today I went to the cinemas., to be away for some time, away from home. No drama, just a movie about drama. That kind of movie where you think: "Thank god I am not that woman." It was kind of relaxing, not worrying about what others think ( Because I was all alone in the hall.) I cried while watching the movie. And I ate crisps. I loved it honestly. Just really no stress. And when the movie was over I took my bus home.

Unfortunately everyone was in one room. Making the place very crowded for me. Causing me to go to my room immediately . I opened my laptop and started writing my emotions in a story while listening music. Today wasn't the worse. But maybe I am so used to Henk and Stella that I am mistaking them for me. Well they are me… But I am so not that kind of person to say that kind of things so I can't call them me right .. Well I think that I mean that I get those thoughts often so I think I got used to it . So I try to enjoy the fun days that I'm fine cuz I know that there will come bad day soon. I know that this wasn't very positive to think. I didn't have a choice anymore.

And that was maybe the hardest part of it all. But I'm trying to smile because a smile can make a day better.

So now I was laying in my bed thinking about everything that I did wrong and the things that other people said to me.

Another day that I survived. Something to be proud of? Sometimes not.  
>I start to recognize that I wanted to be someone else. I started changing my twitter profile picture into a cute Tumblr girl. And making an Instagram account where I pretended to be that cute girl. It felt like that she would get more attention than me. That people would like her better. Later I deleted that Instagram account and I changed my picture on Twitter back to me. Chosing not to be that kind of person. Not wanting it to be like that.<br>But I hoped that I would get through the night this time. I really did. Goodnight. And may be until tomorrow...


	5. Chapter 5 Pressure

**So this isn't a very long chapter but remember, I write on my down moments, this is like a diary for me. So if I don't have more to tell it isn't going to be a long chapter.**

**But thankyou so much for all the sweet comments! I love you all!**

**Disclaimer: I don't own anything but the storyline**

_Chapter 5 Pressure_

I didn't know. I didn't know that being insecure would totally destroy me. Some days I felt totally fine. But others I couldn't even think of tomorrow. I was at the point where I was scared to tell my friends, because I didn't want to bother them with my problems and they were all inside my head. So you couldn't see them from the outside.

Some people maybe thought that I was totally fine and that I was just being a drama queen. And the people that you didn't tell how you felt and what was going on didn't have a clue about how you felt and what was going on. And if I explained my problems I couldn't tell them about the voices. What were mainly the biggest problem. But I couldn't really describe them as voices but on the other hand it really were voices… But for me, it just were voices. But I was always struggling to explain to others what was going on. It was hard. It made me want to scream. Like scream. But I was always holding my breath. Tiptoeing for everyone. To keep everyone happy.

I felt like I was locked in a cage. Forced to do what others expect me to do. Forced to be there for everyone. But missing myself at that point. Losing myself. Sometimes I would rather die. Really. I felt like no one needed me, that it would be a pleasure for them if I was gone. That I should disappear and no one would bother to search for me. I wouldn't even bother to search for me. And that was my main issue.


	6. Chapter 6 Dear Father

**Thankyou people! I got some stories of girls, what they went through and it shocked me... Terrible things happen in this world... But I wanted to thank you all for sharing such a personal story with me. It made/makes me feel less alone. Thank you, a voice can do more than you think. Trust me. **

**Disclaimer: I don't own anything except for the storyline**

_Chapter 6 Dear Father_

Today went okay I guess. Still those thoughts but nothing different than normal?  
>And when I felt okay I would hate myself for that. "How can you feel okay? And be happy the way you are. You are disgusting." And thanks again Henk. See... I don't even get a chance to be happy. Even when I was. Then my thoughts would force me to walk to the mirror and made me look at all my flaws. To prove me that it wasn't okay to feel okay. 'Because I had a lot that I should worry about.'<p>

/ the next day

Today I had a conversation with my Psychologist and we talked about my dad. I had a lot of frustration thinking of him. He said that I always started discussions and that it was my fault every time we had one.

He said that I never looked at the things that I did wrong while it is the only thing I do. Looking at everything that I did wrong, every day. And that I had a big mouth while I was just defensing my self. He would yell at me and think that he had the right just because I was his daughter.  
>Well he projected his anger on me. Those things also happened between my dad and mom. And caused a divorce. And right now my step mom and dad have those problems too..<p>

So I think my dad needed to look at himself too if he wanted to have a good relationship with me. This weekend was the intention to go to my dad this weekend. But I needed some space from that situation. It was just too much. Everything was just too complicated and too much for me. I was only 15 you know. Okay okay almost 16. But still, much happened in my life.

3 years ago I got cancer. I was bullied a lot before that. But apparently I had to almost die to make them stop. I almost got an eating disorder, and later I got an illness that made me so tired that I couldn't do anything. Only sleep, no e energy for school at all. But that all happened in a short period. And now I was here. Needing help more than ever… Help me…


	7. Chapter 7 Bad Girlfriend

**Hey people, I have found something again what I can talk about, this happened today...**

_Chapter 7 Bad Friend_

Well… last days went okay. Not perfect. But nothing outrageous. I still asked my boyfriend if he loved me. And when he talked a little irritated I thought he hated me. Those kind of things were very exhausting for the both of us. Because Henk will talk shit about me that would made me feel like I did something wrong and that that would make Austin hate me.

Austin and I were skyping, and I was feeling down again. He told me that I had to understand that I was feeling down in almost every skype converstation. That hit me hard. Because I was trying so hard to be happy. But Henk got his chance and started to say: "He is done with you, he tried to help you but you are just an unthankful brat with no respect. Austin even thinks that talking with you isn't fun anymore. Well done bitch" I started crying. I told Austin that I would leave him alone. He told me that he didn't mean to say that but that he just didn't want to see me like this. But switching wasn't easy for me. I told him I would leave him with motivation from Henk.  
>Later he didn't respond to my text for half an hour and had the excuse that he didn't knew what to say but in that time I was over thinking so hard and Henk told me the most hurtful things.. Later he talked to me but I have so much anger against Henk and myself but Austin thought I was mad at him. He told me it wouldn't be more fun if I would act mad to him which made all the flames go up. I said that I would leave him alone. I was getting ready to go to bed. When I was peeing (yes peeing) he suddenly skyped me. No details needed but we skyped for an hour and he did everything he had to make me feel better and get out of that negative cycle. And it worked. So much relieve... I have the best (boy)friend ever. :)<p> 


End file.
